How did you get that shiner?

I drove to Jacksonville on Saturday to see Melinda in her new apartment at the Arc Jacksonville.  When she opened the door, I saw that Melinda had a nasty black eye.  Her new friend, Emily, held the door for me as I entered the surprisingly clean apartment.

As I put my stuff down, I asked Melinda, "How did you get that black eye."  She said, "Well, I was in a pillow fight.  You know those great big pillows.  Maggie threw one at me, and I missed it.  It hit me in the eye, and that's what happened."

"Melinda, a pillow could not give you a black eye like that."

Popping into the living room from Melinda's bedroom, Maggie said in a loud, definitive voice, "Yes, it did."

"No, it didn't."

"Yes, it did."

At that point, I realized I was going nowhere in this conversation.

I noticed that Melinda had a band-aid over her eye, and I asked her, "Did you cut yourself?"

"No."

"Then why do you have a band-aid on your forehead?"

"My fingernail hit my head, and it started to bleed."

"That means you cut yourself."

"Probably so."

Maggie interjects at this point, "No, she didn't cut herself."

I say, "Skin that's not cut doesn't bleed.  When you open up skin, it bleeds.  That's called a cut.  She obviously cut herself."

"No, she didn't."

Again, I was going nowhere in this conversation.

When Melinda's guests left, she and I talked some more about this pillow fight accident.  Melinda once again said she scratched herself with her fingernail, which caused the bleeding.  I looked down at Melinda's completely bitten off or cut down nails, and asked, "How could you cut yourself?  You've got no nails."

"You're right, I don't."

"Okay, I've been trying to figure this out as Perry Mason would.  Do you think maybe you were trying to catch the pillow, and you accidently hit yourself in the eye.  Do you think that's what happened?

"That's possible.  That's funny, Melanie.  You were thinking like Perry Mason!  We were going to tell you I had a new boyfriend, and he hit me."

"I don't think I would have believed that."

"You would have believed it if I had kept a straight face."

"Maybe you're right."

Wardrobe Malfunctions

Melinda has never been much of a clothes horse.  A t-shirt and stretchy pants do the job, generally.  She has a few quirky preferences, however.  She always wears a bra and socks, even to bed.  Don't ask me when this little habit became a part of her persona, because I have no idea.  She used to wear pants to bed too, under her gown.  I eventually talked her out of the pants, but the bra and socks are a steadfast need.

Stephanie and Miranda have invested hours with Melinda at various thrift stores around town, trying to outfit her with inexpensive, stylish duds for church.  We didn't want to invest too much because Melinda is still losing weight - slowly but surely.  (207 these days!! down from a high of 285)  The girls have bought her some beautiful clothes, and Mama left some very nice items that were large enough for Melinda.  The best laid plans, however . . .

Several times I have arrived to pick up Melinda and been amazed to see what she's not wearing!  Two times, Melinda was wearing a pretty little loosely knitted top that was intended to go over a solid undershirt.  She sort of forgot the undershirt both times.  "Oh, I forgot.  I thought this was fine."  We realized we were seeing waaaay too much of Melinda.  A quick dash by me into her apartment and a quick change in the car with the open car door blocking neighbors' eyes remedied the situation, and all was well for another trip to church.

This morning, Melinda was wearing her "Buddy Break" t-shirt because they were honoring in the church service volunteers who work with this ministry.  I had mine on too.  Melinda had worn hers the day before, though, not realizing that she needed to wear the shirt on Sunday.  I had forgotten to tell her.  I asked her over the phone whether she had a clean Buddy Break shirt to wear on Sunday, and she said she did.  When I arrived to pick her up, I realized she had food stains from the day before all over the front.  Again, we had to arrange a quick change.  I drove home, where Kim was waiting in the driveway for us.  I made them wait while I ran into the house to retrieve Mama's Buddy Break shirt.  We did another quick change in the driveway, with the car doors blocking the neighbors' eyes.  While I was working to make the size-large t-shirt stretch to cover the extra-large body, I noticed Melinda had her bra on inside out.

"Melinda, your bra is on inside-out."

"Oh, I wasn't wearing my glasses when I put it on."

"Maybe you should make sure you're wearing your glasses when you get dressed."

"You're probably right."

Later in Sunday school, I noticed that her socks were on with the heel facing upward.  She hardly had any sock covering one of her feet inside her dark-blue Crocs.

"Melinda, I think you have your socks on with the heel on the top instead of over your heels."

"Oh, I thought I had them on right."

"I guess not."

"Oh.  I thought they were fine."

"We should celebrate, really.  It wasn't so long ago that you couldn't put your own socks on at all."

"That's right.  I can do it now."

Melinda joining the church last week.

"You sure can."

Way too long on a diet

Melinda has lost more than 75 pounds in the last 2 years.  I pretty much control what she eats, although not when she eats it. I give her enough food, packed in boxes labeled by the day, for a week or so at a time.  She gets breakfast, lunch, dinner, a dessert, a fruit, a yogurt, a bag of popcorn, and a couple of snacks such as a fruit bar or peanut butter crackers.  She drinks light chocolate soy milk, and she gets one diet Coke per day.  More and more frequently Melinda lets me know that she is out of food.  Here's how it goes:

"Hi, Melanie, I don't have any food for tomorrow."
"I gave you enough food to last through Saturday.  It's only Thursday."
"No, I didn't have food through Saturday.  I'm out of food."
"The only way you would be out of food is if you ate out of the other boxes.  Did you eat out of the other boxes?"
"No."
"Yes, you did."
"No, I didn't."
"Melinda, I have your menu right here.  Where's your copy?"
"I don't know."
"It should be in your notebook.  I put it in there when I delivered your food."
"Oh."
"So, you ate out of the other boxes, didn't you?"
"No."
"That's the only way you could have run out of food."
"You didn't give me enough snacks for every day, and so I had to eat some from another day."
"That's not true.  I put snacks into every box.  You can see that on your menu.  You just ate extra didn't you?"
"I don't know."
"Yes, you do."
"Okay, I cheated."
"I know."
"I'm still out of food."

Who knew plungers break?

Melinda called me today, after I had already been to her apartment after work.  She tells me the toilet is clogged.  This is not a new problem for her.  I've talked her through unclogging the toilet over the phone from our cabin in North Carolina and from my son's condo in Evanston, IL.  Usually, it takes awhile, but she gets it done.  We have to talk about creating a vacuum and not just bouncing the plunger up and down in the water.  This time, however, it was not going well.  Even after 4 or 5 attempts, with me anxiously waiting on the phone to hear the result, the toilet was still clogged.  Resigned, I got in the car and drove over to fix the potty.  To my dismay, the plunger had turned inside out, and nothing I could do would make it right.  So, I got into the car again, drove to Target, purchased a new plunger, and went back to solve the problem.

Meanwhile, Melinda is trying to talk to me conversationally about our upcoming trip to Seattle.  I told her in no uncertain terms, but in very polite tones, that I would not be able to talk to her until after I had finished with the task at hand.  After arming myself with a trash bag, paper towels, Pinesol, a mop, some towels, and the new plunger, I went in to conquer the problem.

Clean at last, the bathroom and I decided to call it a day.  I kissed Melinda goodbye and echoed, "I love you," as I locked her door and walked through the parking lot to my car.  I dropped off the garbage bag at the apartment dump site and drove home, thinking all the while, thank goodness I didn't have a meeting tonight.  Time to solve emergencies is definitely a gift from God.